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A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,

"Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

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Quick Wit:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.
The surgeon says, "For $5000 you can have the best facelift available with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging,
just come back in and we will tighten it."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset.

"Doctor, I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!" The doctor says, "Those bags under your eyes are your breasts and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a moustache..."

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Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. -
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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

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At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."
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Success is:

At age 4, success is..... not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is...... having friends.
At age 20, success is...... having sex.
At age 35, success is...... making money.
At age 60, success is...... having sex.
At age 70, success is...... having friends.
At age 80, success is.... not peeing your pants

In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering savage cries.

Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America they call it golf.

Chadwick's girlfriend got a new job as a receptionist at the local sperm bank. One of her duties is to say to the donors as they are leaving:
"Thanks for coming and come again!"
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A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut,
and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $60, she was shocked.
"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer replied, "But you don't bite, do you?!"

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines.

The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus." "What's the score?" asks the first man.

"I don't know, it's a secret."

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks.

Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.

The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course."

"The kitchen," said the Master? "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like.
By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?" "Indeed I am" said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"

"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." "My goodness, Bill," said Pat,

"It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."

"Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad." "OK, so what's the good news?"

"The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday" "Great" said Pat.

"What's the bad news then?" "You're the Senior Deacon!"
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Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.

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Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

A. After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:

She)    Well how'd it go ?
He)     Very well - most interesting
She)   What did go on ?
He)     I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.
She)   Well is there anything you *can* tell me ?

He) Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men.
She) What do they do - if you can tell me ?

He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....

She) And the Holy men ? What of them ?

He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly -
"Oh My God Oh My God !"

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."

"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."

"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"

"Hmmmmm," said the Genie.
"Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

*** 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:
1. AQUADEXTROUS - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT - v. To sterilize a piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST - n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER - n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA - n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS - n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION - n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD.

The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help.

The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow.

The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren.

The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.

Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD.

Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.

"Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home. "I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear..."
Several months later came another letter: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl..."

Two weeks later came yet another note: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl..."

A new group of male applicants had just arrived in heaven.

Peter looked them over and ordered, "All men who were henpecked on earth, please step to the left; all those who were bosses in their own homes, step to the right."

The line quickly formed on the left. Only one man stepped to the right.

Peter looked at the frail little man standing by himself and inquired, "What makes you think you belong on that side?"

Without hesitation, the meek little man explained, "Because this is where my wife told me to stand."

Walter Winchell worked it out, and we consider it so important an observation, we're passing it on to you, with many thanks to Winch:

Girls who were raised on cod liver oil have legs like this ! !

Girls who ride horses in the par have legs like this ( )

But gals at night club bars who keep saying: "Here's How!" have legs like this ) (

And we might add: Girls, who use good judgement, have legs like this: X

Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel.

The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."
Jacob decided to spend $10.

More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt
Lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"

"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."

"What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?"

To which Jacob responded, "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman."

What's the difference between Chinese food and Italian food? With Chinese food, an hour later you're hungry again. With Italian food, an hour later you're still eating.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that

electricians can be delighted,

musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked
and drycleaners depressed?

Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven?

Because two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

"Kids & Prayer" - Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After awhile he emerged from his room and told his mother that he thought it over and he had said a prayer. "Fine," she said, "Did you ask GOD to help you not to misbehave." 'Oh no," said Johnny, "I asked him to help you put up with me." …..

A Rabbi asked a six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayer for you each night. What does she say?" The boy replied, "Thank GOD he's in Bed."

….. A youngsters prayer: "Dear GOD please take care of mommy and daddy, my sister and brother and please take care of yourself, GOD. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

The good man is always honest. The evil man is always dishonest. The smart man just keeps his mouth shut.

It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice.

To err is human; therefore all misspellings and misinformation's on this page are completely forgivable.

Everything's funny as long as it's happening to somebody else.

"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow,
and when I woke up the pillow was gone."

-When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point?

"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything,
and two minus one equals nothing."

"Money is the root of all wealth."
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Lyle, a kindergarten teacher, is reading a Christmas story]

Lyle: And then an angel of the lord descended upon the virgin Mary...

Kid: What's a virgin?

Lyle: A virgin is someone who has never had sex.

Kid: What's sex?

Lyle: Uh sex, uh sex is how men and women make babies.

Kid: Are you a virgin?

Lyle: No.

Kid: So you have a baby?

Lyle: Uhm, no, men and women who don't want babies also have sex.

Kid: What for?

Lyle: For about ten or fifteen minutes.

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There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business. One is that they haven't any mind, the other - that they haven't any business.

-One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Computer jokes :
-Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

-COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

-C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

-Access denied--nah nah na nah nah nah!

-Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

--... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

-All computers wait at the same speed.