A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to

do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you

pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or

chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The

more you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a

long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and

rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the

best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"

=======================================

Benny: "Now you take my grandpa, he knew the exact day of the

year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not

only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and

he was right about that too."

Louie: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Benny: "A judge told him."

=======================================

 A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices

a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a

sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."

Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks

the clerk if it was correct.   He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."

She said "That can't be right!"

The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar,   no strings attached."

=======================================

 PRESIDENTIAL SAVINGS PLAN

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am

putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look

in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never

looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,

curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and

peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and

$1,874.25 in cash.   After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain

her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years

I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed.

However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all

these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was

unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under

the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and

saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home

on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times

is not that bad considering the number of years we've been

together."    They hugged and made their peace. A little while later,

Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty

cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

======================================

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ.

Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells

him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is

also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of

the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid

questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.

He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?"

The bum replies, "Well, son, I am."

The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum

takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him  inside.

They walk up to the bar and the bartender shouts, "Jesus

Christ, are you in here again?"

=======================================

The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves

and yelled. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is

that you'll be getting double rations tonight."  The mumbling of the happy

slaves was interrupted by the  bellowing of the slave driver

"The bad news is that the  commander's son wants to water ski."

=======================================

 THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY-DEAD AT 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died

yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from

repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies

in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including

Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty

Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend,

Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a

man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was

filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart

cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still,

even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have

two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50

for about 20 minutes.

=======================================

 Private Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he

was to advise new recruits about their government benefits,

especially their SGLI insurance.  It wasn't long before Captain Smith

noticed that Private  Jones had almost a 100 percent sign-up record,

which had  never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the

Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's

sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI insurance to the new

recruits, and then said, "If you have SGLI and go into battle

and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your

beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle

and get killed, the government has to pay only $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going

to send into battle first?"

=================================================

 A guy walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The

proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet."

The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs

him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one

files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off or the

parakeet will  drown when he goes to take a drink of water."

The guy buys the parakeet. His next stop is a hardware store

to buy a file. The hardware store owner is familiar with this

technique and picks out the right file. "Be careful not to

file too much off, or the poor thing might drown."

The guys buys the file and takes the bird home. A week later,

the bird owner wanders into the hardware store again. The

owner recognizes him and asks how his parakeet is. The fellow

looks down and sadly reports, "Bird's dead." The hardware store

owner shares his sorrow and asks, "Filed  off too much beak?"

To which the former bird owner replies, "Nah, he was dead

when I took him out of the vise."

=======================================

 A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She

says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Do you have any

turkey?"  The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey,

and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds. "Ah, haven't you anything

bigger?" the woman inquires. The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge,

takes it out  again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps

his thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.

"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."

=======================================

There were two good old boys who loved to fish. They wanted

to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so

they took off to try it. The lake was frozen, so they stopped just before

they got to the lake at a little bait shop and  got all their tackle and

an ice pick.  After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two

hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going

to need another dozen ice picks."  He paid for the picks and left

. In about an hour, he was back  at the shop and said,

"We're going to need all the ice picks  you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he

asked, "how are you fellows doing?"  "Not very well at all,"

the fisherman said. "We don't even  have the stupid boat in the water yet."

=======================================

 An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled

over by a police officer. The policeman told him that several

miles back, the passenger door had opened and the man's wife

had fallen out of the car. The man looks over to the passenger

seat and says, "Well thank God -- I thought I'd gone deaf!"

=======================================

=======================================

The first years of the child's life, we try really hard to

teach them to walk and talk, for the rest of their lives,

we're begging them to sit down and shut up!

=======================================

 It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a

knock on the door. "Telegram!" He opened the door excitedly,

"Is it a singing telegram?"  Schneider asked the messenger boy.

"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."

"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the

rules and make an old man happy?" "Sorry."

"Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday." "Oh, all right,"

said the boy, "Dah-dah dah... dah-dah-dah,  your sister Rose is dead!"

=======================================

=======================================

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of  work and were

deciding where to go for a drink.  The Irishman said "Let's all go to

O'Learys. With  every third round, the bartender will give each of

us a free Guinness." The Italian said "That sounds good but if we go to

Baldini's, with every second round they give you a  free glass of wine."

The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's,

we drink for free all night and then they take us out to the parking

lot so we can get laid." "That sounds too good to be true!"

the other two. "Has that ever happened to you?"

"Well, no," the Russian replied, "but it happened to  my sister."

=======================================

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "I was wondering how

you prepare your chickens," the customer replied.

"Nothing special," the waiter responded,

"We just tell them straight  out they're going to die."

=================================================

 A  guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those

sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna

find a fake Jeep?"

=================================================

 Did you hear about the Australian who received a new boomerang

for his birthday?

He spent the entire day trying to throw the old one away.

=======================================

 Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said,

"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front

of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away

or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on

the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way

up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure

glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her 

knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

=================================================

Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a

way that is politically correct? Here are a few creative  suggestions:

=======================================

A few clowns short of a circus

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six pack

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

All foam, no beer

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the  heel

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

Proof that evolution can go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

His slinky's kinked

Too much yardage between the goal posts

================================================

A MERRY CHRISTMAS BLITZ

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?  Claus-trophobic.

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.

Why does Rudolph feel at home in strip clubs?

It's the red-light district.

Why did the snow man have a smile on his face?

Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Why did Santa Claus trade Rudolph?

He wanted change for a buck.

Where can you find literature about Santa's assistants?

In the Elf-help section.

How do they celebrate Christmas in Singapore?

They beat you with a Candy Cane.

What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly?

Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

=================================================

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a

nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick

and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He

talks about his wife and his 13 children.

"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic

family. God is very proud of you."

"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."

=======================================

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.

The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room

and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed

that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's

desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my

first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what

the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant,

the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse,

"Come on, nurse! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

=======================================

A woman phones up her husband at work, "I've got some good

news and some bad news for you dear"

"I'm sorry honey," he says, "I'm up to my neck in work today

and I'm totally stressed, so just give me the good news, OK?"

"Well," she says, "the air bags work... "

=======================================

Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton Commemorative Holiday

Belt Buckle?    It's made out of Mistletoe!

=======================================

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that

there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report

called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had

read an ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They

arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

=======================================

At Burger King an elderly couple ordered one burger, one order

of fries and one coke with two glasses.

When they got to their booth, the man placed a napkin in front

of himself and one in front of his wife, then proceeded to

divide the fries, cut the burger in half and divided the coke  equally.

A gentleman nearby noticed and offered to buy them another

burger, fries and Coke.  The woman then said, "No you don't understand.   

We've been  married over 50 years and all our life we agreed to split

everything right down the middle."

Her husband then began eating, as she sat with her hands in  her lap.

The gentleman nearby noticed and asked the lady why she wasn't

eating.  She replied, "As I said before, we split everything right down

the middle, and it's his day to use the teeth first."

=======================================

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should

both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

=======================================

Two football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not

allowed to play in the big game the following week. The

exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he

knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny

on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the

last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make

sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had

a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his

No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.

He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered,

"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is

spelled - E-I-E-I-O."
=======================================

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One

day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs

across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The

van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo

to do him a favor. He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver

a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within

the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins

onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads

off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving

down the road, he see's Kimo and the busload of penguins heading

in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases

in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over

Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey,

Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the

penguins to the zoo for me?"

"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We

had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"

=======================================

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.

"How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman.

"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely.

"Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?"

"Yes ma'am."    "Got some paper?"

"Yes ma'am."     "Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."

"That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly.

"That's it."

"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum."

"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay,

got  a pencil?"  "Yes ma'am." "Got some paper?"    "Yes, ma'am."

Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale."

=======================================

Are You Ready For The Working World?

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not

you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE

ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that

difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

...

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe

 and close the door.

This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in

 a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

...

Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and

 close the door.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put

 in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your

foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the

 animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the

 refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive

 thinking.

OK, if you did not have the last three questions correctly, this

 one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a

 professional.

4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross  it?

Correct answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are

 attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning

 ability.

So......

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a

 true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to

 do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger

 flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs.

 It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not

 require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or  politics.

=======================================

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people

show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the

other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.

This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both

better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a

chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the

whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The

lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she

throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her

and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves,

kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've

never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to

the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out

of the way."

=======================================

A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy.

Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed

envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty

hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're

our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

=======================================

A Son's Infinite Wisdom

One day a little boy by the name Timothy, who was about 6 years

old, went to his mom and asked her, "How old are you?"

The mom said, "There are some things you should never ask a woman

and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."

Then the boy asked his mom, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

The mom replied, "Like I said there are some things you should

never ask a woman and that is one of them. You will understand

when you get older."

Later the boy came to his mom and asked, "Mommy, why did you and

daddy get a divorce?"

The mom told Timothy, "There is some things you should never ask

a woman and that is definitely one of them. You will understand

when you get older"

So the boy wandered off to his mom's room and found her purse and

started looking through it. As he was going through the purse he

found her license. He was looking at it and looking and looking.

Then he went back to his mother and told her, "Mommy, I know how

old you are."  "How old," she said.

The little boy said, "27". Then he said, "I know how much you

weigh."   "How much," she said.

The little boy told her,"You are 130 pounds." I also know why

you and daddy got a divorce.  "Why son?" she said.

He said, "Because you have an F in sex."

=======================================

MR. FIX-IT

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist,

and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king

and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up

to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine,

the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"

"Head up," said the doctor.   "Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came

the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck.

Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the

first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was

set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or

head down?" said the executioner. "Head up," said the chemist.

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"   "No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came

the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well,

the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first

time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or

head down?" asked the executioner.

"Head up."  "Blindfold or no blindfold?"  "No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the

rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"

=======================================

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping one night. As

they lay down Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and

tell me what you see." Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions

of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically,

it tells me that God is great and that we are insignificant.

Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful

day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

=======================================

 The skydiving instructor was going through the question and

answer period with his new students when one of them asked

the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open;

and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have til we hit

the ground?"  The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."

=======================================

 Bear Trap

Question: How Do You Catch a Bear?

Solution: First you dig a hole and fill it up with ashes.

Then you take some peas and and put it around the hole and

when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash   hole.

=======================================

 Birds and the Bees

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds

and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting

into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa'

speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.

Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy'

speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't

really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

=======================================

 The Big Golf Match

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from

Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said

one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a

game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared

by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a

golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent

me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,

"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a

devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask

him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In

addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win

the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course,

Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match,

Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the

result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,

" said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal

Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've

played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was

the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired

from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate

and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect,

my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three

strokes."

=======================================

THE FISHING TRIP

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be

her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and

afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her

side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really?

That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds

terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs

up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all

about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip

with you."

=======================================

A man had been in business for many, many years and the business was going downhill rapidly. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. As his last ditch effort, he turned to his rabbi for advice.

He described all the details for the rabbi and asked the rabbi what he should do.

The rabbi replied, "Take a beach chair and a Torah and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Torah out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Torah will stay open at a particular page. Read that page of the Torah and it will tell you what to do."

The man did as he was told, putting absolute faith in the advice. He placed his beach chair and a Torah in his car and drove to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Torah. The wind rifled the pages of the Torah and then stopped eventually open to a particular page. He looked down at the Torah and saw his answer.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the rabbi. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in a beautiful silk dress.

The man handed the rabbi a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wanted to donate the money to the synagogue in order to thank the rabbi for his wonderful advice. The rabbi was delighted. He recognized the man and asked what advice in the Torah brought him this good fortune.

"Well, when I opened it up," said the fortunate businessman, "there was the answer: Chapter 11."

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A priest, a vicar and a rabbi, went for a picnic in a remote

mountain setting. It was a hot day and so decided to go for

a swim in a nearby lake. As it was so remote they all went in

naked. After a while, they got tired and came out of the water

to find a group of ladies from a nearby village sitting a few

dozen yards away.   Immediately the priest and the vicar covered thei

'privates'   and the rabbi covered his face. Once they had got over the

embarrassment and the ladies had gone they got dressed. The

priest and vicar asked the rabbi why he hadn't covered his

'privates'. "Well, I don't know about your parish," says the rabbi, "but

in my synagogue the villagers would have recognized me by my  face."