A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

"Yes, it is," replied the vet. "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady. "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making terrible mating noises and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

"It should," said the vet,

Performance appraisal terms and their real meanings:

to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the  ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the

Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying- W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y

. So, we're calling it

the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." 
"But where are all your cattle?"

for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The

device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's

windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the

carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird

during flight. It seems the British were very interested in

this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy

locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken

and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield,

went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel

and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The

British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test

to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and only had one

her class, "Children, I'm going to ask you a question, and if

anyone can answer it correctly, they can take tomorrow off

from school." Of course, this gets the immediate and undivided attention of all the students. They lean forward in their chairs and listen intently.

"All right," says the teacher, "here is the question: How many

grains of sand are there on the beach at the Oak Street beach?"

Needless to say, none of the children knows the answer.

The following day, the teacher says, "If you can answer today's

question correctly, you may take tomorrow off from school.

The question is: How many drops of water are there in the

Lake Michigan?"   The children sit in silence, frustrated by the second

impossibly difficult question. Dirty Johnny, sitting in the

back of the class, is particularly annoyed. "I'm gonna fix

her,' he thinks. That night, he goes home and paints two golf

balls black.

Friday, the teacher says, "Okay, here is today's question..."

But before she can get it out, Dirty Johnny rolls the two

painted golf balls to the front of the room. With a loud

clatter, the golf balls hit the wall right below the blackboard.

Startled, the teacher looks around the room and says, "All

right, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

1. AQUADEXTROUS adj., Possessing the ability  to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with one’s toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION n., The act, when vacuuming,  of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down  to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT v., To sterilize the piece of  candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

4. ELBONICS n., The actions of two people  maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST n., The small line of debris that  refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until  he finally decides to give up and sweep it  under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION n., Manhandling the "open  here" spout on a milk container so badly that  one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER n., The waiter at a fancy restaurant  whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA n., The affliction of dialing a  phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS n., The moist residue left on a  window after a dog presses its nose to it.

baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed

feet?"   The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert,  our toes  will help us stay on top of the soft sand."  Two minutes later the young camel asked,

"Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"

They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips  through the desert," the mother said. 

"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks

across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long 

periods of time."  "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store

water."     "Yes dear."

Tech: "OK, press the control and escape keys at the same time.

That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now  type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Cust: "There's no 'P' on the screen."

Tech: "On your keyboard."

Cust: "What do you mean?"

Tech: "'P' on your keyboard."

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic schoolchildren in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila said,

"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked,-

"What did you say?!" "A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed. Sister

Here are the new product names resulting from mergers of some wellknown companies:

Xerox and Wurlitzer:

               They're going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:

              New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:

             Poly-Warner-Cracker

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale

            Business Systems: Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M & Goodyear:  

            mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price:  

             Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:

             Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:

              Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:

            3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: 

           Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:

           Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:

the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized

annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

=============================

 A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,

"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.

Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds,

"Tell him I can't see him."

=============================

 Married men live longer than single man, but married men are

a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in

two people remembering the same thing.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and

she does.

=============================

A man is out golfing. On the second hole he notices a frog

sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about

to shoot when he hears the frog say, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

Now the fellow is a bit annoyed. He looks at the frog and

decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away,

and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You

must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. Three wood."

The guy takes out his three wood and boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of

the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and

asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

After the golf game, the man figures what the heck and begins

to bet. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to

repay you for all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures, after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

=============================

There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't

tell the truth without lying.

-----------------------------------------------------------

 This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody,

Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done

and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody  could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry  about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought  Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that

Everybody  wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed

Somebody   when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

-----------------------------------------------------------

 Did you hear about the ship with a cargo of yo-yos?

It sank 1,442 times!

-----------------------------------------------------------

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the

offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted

the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he

questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for

the size of the congregation.  Joe said that he did not take any of the

offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he

did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get

In the confessional, the priest asked him again, "Did you

take any of the offering?  This time Joe replied, "I can't hear you."

Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the

offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

This time the priest yelled, "JOE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE

OFFERING!" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

By this time the priest was livid, so he came out of the

confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me and ask

me a question. I want to see why you can't hear me."

So they traded places and Joe asked, "I heard that you and

my wife are having an affair, is that true?"

To which the priest answered,
"By Golly, you can't hear in here!"

=============================

Things were really getting hot and they were not paying any

attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a

policeman is tapping on their window. The cop could hardly

contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not supposed

to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple. Being

embarrassed they said yes, and apologized.

"Well," he said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the

cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch

their behavior.  After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her

boyfriend what the cop wrote the ticket for. He looked at the

ticket and read, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

=============================

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags

before his congregation in a booming voice: "Two years ago I

insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. From

the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly