humor_on

While driving in Pennsylvania, a vacationing family passed an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the

back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle.

Runs on oats and grass. "Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A blonde signs up for research project testing
"smart" pills. Amazingly, the pills work and the blonde becomes smarter, so she dyes her hair and becomes a brunette.

One day, she is out driving in the country and spots a
farmer in his field with his sheep. She decides to test out her new found smartness, so she stops and walks up to the farmer.

She says, "If I can correctly guess how many sheep you have in your field, can I have one of them?"

The farmer thinks a moment and says, "Sure."

She looks for a minute and says, "578."

The farmer says, "Wow, that is correct. I guess you can
pick out your sheep." So, the blonde picks out a sheep
and puts it in the trunk of her car.

The farmer says, "Wait. If I can guess your original hair
color, can I have my dog back?"

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife
sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied

"I'm going to Las Vegas."

He asked her why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed
his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife.
She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!!" he replied. Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year"!

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Sexual Morality

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people.
In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself
just one question:

Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,

"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

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Proof of Age & Disability...

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and
fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and
explains to her what has happened. She replies,
"Well get back down there, pull down your pants,
and see if you can get disability!"

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A traveler in Spain goes to a Madrid restaurant and orders the house special.

"What's this?" he asks. "Cojones," the waiter replies, "They are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.

This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?" he asks the waiter. "Cojones," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

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What is the technical name for a female sex change operation? An Addadicktomy!

"What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference? Pumpkin Pi!"
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Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one
would be the prostitute?

A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

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Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work

in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did,

she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful

bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of

him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained.

"Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening,

I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they

turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice

and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her

progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No", she replied... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

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The following breeds are now recognized by the A.K.A.:

Collie + Lhaso Apso

Collapso: A dog that folds up for easy transportation.

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Pointer + Setter

Poinsetter: A traditional Christmas pet.

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Great Pyrenees + Dachshund

Pyradachs: A puzzling breed.

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Pekingese + Lhasa Apso

Peekasso: An abstract dog.

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Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever

Lab Coat Retriever: The choice of research scientists.

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Newfoundland + Basset Hound

Newfound Asset Hound: A dog for financial advisors.

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Terrier + Bulldog

Terribull: A dog that makes awful mistakes.

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Bloodhound + Labrador

Blabador: A dog that barks incessantly

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Collie + Malamute

Commute: A dog that travels to work.

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Deerhound + Terrier

Derriere: A dog that true to the end.

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Bull Terrier + Shitzu

Oh, never mind.......!

"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue
... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?
Where does the glue go?"

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A man had been in business for many, many years and the business was going downhill rapidly. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. As his last ditch effort, he turned to his rabbi for advice.
He described all the details for the rabbi and asked the rabbi what he should do.

The rabbi replied, "Take a beach chair and a Torah and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Torah out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Torah will stay open at a particular page. Read that page of the Torah and it will tell you what to do."

The man did as he was told, putting absolute faith in the advice. He placed his beach chair and a Torah in his car and drove to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Torah. The wind rifled the pages of the Torah and then stopped eventually open to a particular page. He looked down at the Torah and saw his answer.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the rabbi. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in a beautiful silk dress.

The man handed the rabbi a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wanted to donate the money to the synagogue in order to thank the rabbi for his wonderful advice. The rabbi was delighted. He recognized the man and asked what advice in the Torah brought him this good fortune.

"Well, when I opened it up," said the fortunate businessman, "there was the answer: Chapter 11."

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to a doctor, and was
fitted with an excellent hearing aid.

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've

changed my will three times!"

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle
of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all

directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she

knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from

the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right

honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman

stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse

and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm

already here."

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Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.

A year passed and only 3 people showed up:

a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes

whoooooooossshhh whooooossshhh whooooossshh whooooossshhh.

A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and

buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed,

asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not

intended to kill."

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More than anything, my brother-in-law wanted to be a cowpoke.

Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing him a rope,
"is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."

"I see," said my brother-in-law, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat.

"And what do you use for bait?"

Exercise

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
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The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
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I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
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And last but not least:
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I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
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You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

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Quick Wit:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!

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"I had the worst study habits in the history of college,
until I found out what I was doing wrong -- highlighting
with a black magic marker." -Jeff Altman

Noah and today's Ark

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed.

But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents.

The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in
his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems.

First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

10. Sag! You're it!

9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

7. Kick the bucket.

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

5. Doc, doc, goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Musical recliners.

2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS...

1. Hide and go pee!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
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A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "And what does the pig say?"

Child: "Oink, Oink."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in Her deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser"