Read on...

  1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
  3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
  4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

  6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
  7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
  8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
  9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before

11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23 - This is as bad as it can get - but don't bet on it.
24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.

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Imponderables...

So, what do you think?

1. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
2. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
5. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
6. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
7. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
8. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
10. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
11. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
12. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
13. Is it possible to be totally partial?
14. What's another word for thesaurus?
15. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
16. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
19. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
21. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
22. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
23. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
24. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
25. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

    

26. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
27. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
28. How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
29. How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold?
30. What is the speed of dark?
31. Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
32. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
33. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
34. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
35. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
36. What's another word for synonym?
37. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
38. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
39. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
40. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
41. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
42. How can there be self-help groups?
43. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
44. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
45. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
46. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
47. Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
48. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
49. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
50. Where are Preparations A through G?
51. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

    

52. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
53. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
54. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
55. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
56. If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples
57. Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
58. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
59. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
60. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
61. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
62. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
63. How is it possible to have a civil war?
64. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
65. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
66. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
67. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
68. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
69. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
70. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
71. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
72. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
73. Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
74. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
75. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
76. What happens when none of your bees wax?
77. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
78. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
79. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
80. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
81. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
82. Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
83. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
84. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
85. Just because I'm wandering, doesn't mean I'm lost.
86. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
87. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
88. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
89. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
90. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
91. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
92. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
93. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
94. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
95. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
96. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
97. When all else fails, lower your standards.
98. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
99. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
100. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

     

101. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
102. He who hesitates is probably right.
103. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
104. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
105. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
106. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
107. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
108. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
109. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
110. Two wrongs do not make a right, but four rights don't get you anywhere.
111. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
112. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
113. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
114. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
115. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
116. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
     before.
117. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
118. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
119. A fool and his money are soon partying.
120. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
121. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
122. Always try to be modest. And be darn proud of it!
123. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
124. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....
125. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
126. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
127. I'd kill for a Nobel P(e)ace Prize.
128. Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
129. Death to all fanatics!
130. Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
131. Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you.
132. Chastity is curable, if detected early.
133. Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
134. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
135. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
136. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
137. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
138. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
139. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
140. Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
141. Half the people you know are below average.
142. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
143. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
144. It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.
145. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
146. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
147. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
148. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
149. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
150. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

     

151. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
152. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
153. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
154. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
155. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
156. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
157. I intend to live forever - so far, so good
158. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
159. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
160. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
161. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
162. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
163. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
164. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
165. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
166. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
167. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
168. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
169. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
170. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
171. If everything seems to be going well - you've obviously overlooked
     something.
172. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
173. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
174. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
175. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
176. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
177. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
178. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
179. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
180. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
181. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
182. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
183. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
184. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
185. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
186. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

...and

* 187. Black holes are where God divided by zero

 
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