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  Some shocking facts about bread

More than 98% of convicted felons are bread users.

1. Fully HALF of all children who grew up in bread consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
   
2. In the 18th century, where virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were exceptionally high; many woman died in childbirth and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
   
3. More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
4. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month.
5. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinson's Disease as well as osteoporosis.
6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item. It leads the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread in as little as two days.
8. Bread has proven to absorb water. Since the human body is 90% water, it follows that eating bread could lead your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread pudding person.
9. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
10. Bread is baked in temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
11. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babble.

In light of these frightening statistics, I propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No to Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300% Federal Tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-Free Zones" around all schools.

   

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